BE FREE

i did something wrong, i dig my own grave, i asked about thing i shouldn't ask, i told him about thing i shouldn't say. hoho... calling me silly n weirdo... hmmph! i suddenly feel so hot.. nervous a bit. i afraid that he will come here. but nahh.. i don't think he will. huhuhu... so.. posting more pictures to calm myself. huhu. blue.. The 3 photos above were taken at my hometown. :) Semporna. Mount Kinabalu :) why my heart doesn't act like what my brain told her to... T_T

i was so happy today... i get to see the beautiful blue sky, but i edited it.. here u go, i only snap 2 pictures... but still, i am happy and the original photo

i guess, i don't know what i want to say. i've got a lot in my mind, thinking about this and that, everything. sometimes blaming myself... felt insecure. alone, lonely... after all, i miss my hometown. semporna, my uni life, kk and etc... i miss sabah very much. when i'm all alone, i can look up to the sky... that way i can feel more calm, and happy. no insecurities. i just can't do it here. i hate to be here. all i can see is building, and that makes me feel sick. i love sky. very much... and yet.. is it right for me to stop myself from liking someone? i don't want to think about it, but yet, my heart can't sync with my mind. what should i do with that?

i broke up with my boyfriend. but not in an inappropriate way, no fight, no quarreling... we solve things peacefully.. ugh no.. i cried. and the next day i woke up, i got puffy eyes... i mean swollen. huhuhu... i just pray that no one notice that. i was so sad. like seriously, that was the first time we had an open talk. we knew that we love each other, and we knew that we both must reduce the hopes of stay together until the end of our life, since i am the one who is lacking in many things. i knew that i should improve myself... idk. idk what should i do... i am so hopeless. i love him, but i demand a lot of things from him, without reconsidering his feeling. i knew i hurt him a lot... i think the both of us being a friend is the best option, i don't want to hurt his feeling anymore. i told him that i may need time to prepare myself with things that may come in future when we are married. i may need my own time, with no attention from him to think all of these matter. ...

what is love? i don't get it. i think i can figure it out when i have someone by my side. someone that love me, someone that i thought i love him. but idk... if i love him, why does i feel empty? why i can't consider seeing him, meeting him is a date? i wanted to bring him to the cinema, he reject. i wanted to take picture with him he reject. he reject me a lot of time. and i really hate it. i know the fact that he can't see but for me that is not the problem for us to do that. i want to have a normal relationship. i have a lot of things that i want to do with my boyfriend. but he literally reject all my wishes. what should i do? am i actually jealous of the couple who can go out happily, take picture, movies... being lead where to go. i would like someone lead my life, what i mean is, i want to be serious with someone who can decide on anything. like where to go, what is the planning. what should we do on that day. and etc... i tried my hard not to care about all the thing...

yeah what is this feeling... want to move on, but can't. want to confess but i can't. what in the world happen to me. someone at my workplace said u need to know ur partner for at least 4 years so that u know he/she is the right one for u. what a coincident, i am in this relationship for about 4 years. he is so kind, so nice. he supported me alot. it is just me who can't support him. he is telling me his problem, i end up mad at him. idk why... it was me who love to start the fire. huhu... i always think that he deserve someone better, and i should be with him until he found d right girl. but he said, as long as i'm with him, he doesn't have interest in other girls. and recently he told me to give up on him as i told him that i am interested in other guy, but i don't love that guy, and i never had any thought to be with him. i didn't tell him on purpose, he asked me to be honest, he wanted to know if i had someone that i like or interested. so i told him... ...