Unmotivated

i... actually haven't finish study yet.

but... i have this one feeling that makes me feel i am so... not belong to my own life... 

i feel like everything happens around me is... i actually don't give a damn fuck about people. i'm living in my own world. i don't care. the only reason why i think people still know me is because of my cousin. she keeps asking me to go here and there with her. thanks to her. 

i don't know how to explain. but i hate my surroundings. even foods here make me sick. i have to think hard everyday just for one meal. yeah, i'm having a fucking meal per day. i lost my appetite. i don't know anymore. i'm so done.

i don't gives my 100% attention to my exam. i sleeps, i don't study. i takes 10 minutes of study, more like copying notes onto a new paper. and then 30 minutes of search words game. 30 minutes of enjoying music videos, and so... i wasted time so much. 

all i can think about is... how to earn money. where should i go after this. and... when will i be able to go to korea and japan. when i can travelling. when i can own a camera. what is my life in 2 more years. because i'm graduating soon guys. i am so gonna cross the toughest path for the next semester. i need to start collecting data for my project. 

and just now... i thought of moving to korea or japan or china. i think korea/china. just because i speak fluent chinese but need to improve reading skills. and for korean, i can read & write, i can understand. and all i need is to be fluent in speaking. should i just further my study there? but i hate studying tho... /cries

but... serious talk... i feel like i don't belong here. i want to move to somewhere else that can make me feel alive. a new start. a new place... with different attitudes of society. i wonder if i can make it. i'm going to start searching on the necessities & requirements to be prepared before moving... only when i'm on my holiday, 2 more weeks to go. and i will plan about it seriously. i hope mom will allow me. i'm a big girl. lol.. i am old.

i don't know why am i so negative to my own self. everyone views me as a very positive person. a person who doesn't have any problems to deals with. they said i am too relax in every things. i am so informative. i am so bla bla bla... wtf. i am not. i'm lacking in every single way. i don't know how to make things work. why is everybody throwing lies to my face?

/sigh/ i bet no one know me in real life. i wonder if we call this side of mine is a negative side. i seriously need a new place for myself. i need a new start. i feel unmotivated here. i don't have the sparks here. i don't know how to continue living. /dies/

i'm sorry hyunseung... i just had to. because that is the face i made most of the time when i'm thinking about myself.